CoffeeTime: "The Guardian with a Learning Paddle"

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Jeannie slipped silently down the dark, cellar steps like a shadow on a mission. Certainly not a shadow, but definitely on a mission.

She knew exactly where her grandmother kept her pickle-making crock. Despite the blackness that surrounded her, she headed confidently across the musty narrow room. One thing was on her eleven-year-old mind. Grandma Joan had loaded her large crock with briny cucumbers four days ago, and that meant one sure thing.  Crisp, tangy, dill pickles were just waiting for Jeannie on the second shelf at the back.

One problem existed though.

G’ma had threatened Jeannie with a week-long pickle ban, if she caught her stealing from the crock in her cellar. “No tellin’ where your grubby hands have been, and I won’t have you pollutin’ my pickles.”

Jeannie knew she had to be quick and clean with her get-away in the next five minutes, because Grandma had just stepped next door to speak to the neighbor. No longer than that, because G’ma wasn’t one to stand around talking very long. So she needed to be in and out, and gobbling pickles in the far corner of the back yard, long before the Pickle Guardian returned and caught her down there.

Reaching the back of the cellar in just a few steps, Jeannie found the second shelf, then felt along it until she felt her hand hit a large smooth, cool surface. Grinning triumphantly, she slid her small hand up the side of the crock to the top, and slipped it underneath the fermenting foam that was gathered there.

She quickly found her prize, and decided ‘if one’s good, three’s a lot better.’ Loaded with her ill-gotten bounty, dripping with the salty, dill liquid that coated the pickles, she turned, crossed the floor, and started up the cellar steps. Only to stop in horror as she watched the cellar door slowly open and saw her G’ma standing at the top with a look on her face that Jeannie rarely saw. And it didn’t help to raise the little girl’s hopes, when she saw the dreaded ‘learning paddle’ in her grandmother’s hand.

Oh, to only be banned from eating pickles for the next week! That would have been a punishment that Jeannie would have gladly born.

Grandma was a healthy believer in children doing as they are told. And she also detested out-and-out rebellion. Unfortunately, Grandma was also a healthy, strapping woman who believed in her grandkids having their learning abilities attached to their behinds, and believed a healthy strong spanking would drive the needed information home.

Needless to say, that experience was never forgotten. Sixty-one years later, Jeannie is still known to pass along her memories of that day. With a laugh, that’s true, but also with a regretful glint in her eye.

“I learned a lesson that day. Never, and I mean never, steal from G’ma. She had warned me, and I found out she meant exactly what she said.”

Wish today’s parents still knew to do that.