CoffeeTime: “Is Being Right - Every Time - Worth It?”

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You can be absolutely right, have all your logical little ducks lined up perfectly in a row, with all your detailed facts ready at your fingertips to zap your opponent to smithereens… and be dead right. Because insisting on always being right can be a killer.

Sure, anybody with a spine that isn’t made of green Jello enjoys proof that they have enough brain cells to be able to hold their own in discussions. And sooner or later most people find themself disagreeing with someone, about something.

Like spouses. They’re great examples of my point. Watch an average marriage, you’ll see that probably no two people disagree more often than spouses.  And I promise, every spouse likes to win when they argue, that’s just human nature.

But if you are married and find yourself in a fight – clean or not so clean – chances are high that when you win that verbal contest you probably gloat. If not externally then at least internally.  And if you are an external gloater, you’re probably creating a problem for yourself.

Here’s the problem.

For you to be proven right and be dancing triumphantly on your Victory Mountain, something else has to be taking place. Your opponent in this contest of wills has been proven wrong, and is standing quietly in Loser Valley – watching you and probably feeling some resentment of you. Not a great feeling.  And in mathematical/ spousal terms, every time a person creates a negative for their spouse, on the average it takes about seven positives to bring the relationship balance sheet back to zero.

Is it worth it? Damaging a relationship that you supposedly treasure? Does winning mean that much to you, no matter the emotional cost to your mate? If you look inside yourself and answer that question with a resounding ABSOLUTELY, then I ask you, “But, why? Why does it take winning every time to make you feel good about yourself?”

I can certainly understand liking to win, we all do. But at the cost of hurting your loved one? I believe there is a better way to win for yourself. One that gives you the self-esteem stroking that we all like to feel, and at the same time doesn’t slap the self-esteem of your mate. It’s called learning to argue graciously.

If you are constantly shouting down your partner in an argument, you probably need to find another way to disagree. Because you are working diligently at tearing apart your relationship. Much better to stop, breathe, and then say, “Wait. Evidently, we didn’t understand each other somewhere way back there. Let’s back up and start over.” And then do it.

Hard to learn to do? Sure.  But if both of you are willing to keep the volume down and really listen to the other, you will find where it all went wrong. Yes, it's difficult to learn a new way of arguing. But so much better than a divorce.